Pro-sex. Pro-porn. Pro-knowing the difference.

Tips for better sex: Dispatches from a swingers party

Written by Nina C. Helms.

This post contains graphic descriptions of rough sex. If you think you might not like to read something like this, check out other posts by our members, here!

We were enjoying a little vanilla public kissing on a huge overstuffed horseshoe-shaped pleather couch, more interested in observing and not participating. In front of us was a middle-aged woman bent over a huge ottoman with her partner enjoying taking her from behind. Another woman was on her back writhing in pleasure with one man worshiping her breasts, while another had his head in between her legs licking her with delight. Beyond them was a large paneless window where about ten voyeurs took in the scene, becoming turned on by these various sexual encounters and expressions of passion — debating whether they wanted to join the erotic tableau. The energy of the room was sexy, open, passionate and uninhibited… that is, until a 20-something couple came in the room. The two soon introduced a different kind of energy.

I am the creator and founder of  S+HE Intimate Fitness™, a pioneer pH balanced skin care line designed to support intimate fitness and sexual wellbeing. I am also an expert in the field of intimate health and sexual wellness helping to educate and empower women to live more confident, self-loving and aware lives. We were exhibitors at a swinger event in Miami, described above and below, as it was a perfect target market for our skin care system.  

Having been in the Adult Novelty industry for 13 years and owning two sexual health lifestyle companies, I feel like I have a heightened awareness of human sexuality. It has offered me the ability to be judgement free of all of the ways in which people can experience and express themselves sexually, even if I don’t personally choose to engage in many of them. However, I feel like what I witnessed that 20-something couple doing at the party was bad sex! 

The young guy shoved his girlfriend on the couch like a rag doll. He yanked her legs open and tore at her panties that were digging into her skin. He sprung his cock from his pants and looked around the room posturing and seeking admiration. The guy then got down on his knees and started aggressively doing what I think he thought was skilled oral sex and masturbating himself fast and furiously. It was like a train wreck you can’t stop watching, yet want to look away. I stole a glance at the girl’s face and saw her wincing but tolerating it. My boyfriend had to nudge me to close my gaping mouth relax my horror stricken face. The girl made moaning sounds that it seemed like she thought he would want to hear. He then grabbed her legs behind the knees, pulled her forward on the couch, shoved his penis inside of her and then moved one of her legs into a position only a professional ballerina should try. Again, her face contorted and she groaned in what seemed like pain as he pounded away at her most likely dry vagina, as there was absolutely NO foreplay to stimulate self-lubrication. Once again, he seemed more concerned with the onlookers being impressed by his performance than with his woman’s pleasure. Interestingly, the guy didn’t seem to be enjoying himself, either.  He finally gave up and zipped up because he couldn’t maintain his erection. He tugged her off the couch and walked out of the room, his tail between his legs.  

It was clear to me that the man had learned his technique from watching porn and that the woman expected what he handed out since she’d likely had too little experience to know anything other than sex that mimics porn like behavior. I wondered if, at her young age — possibly not having had many previous lovers — that she may have received much of her sex ed from porn and guys who copy it in the bedroom.

To me, their youthful sex act lacked sensuality, passion or pleasure and was almost robotic. It seemed like the two players had no intimate connection. It was simply forceful fornication with manufactured inorganic grunting and moaning. It was also interesting given the couple’s young age that they would be playing at a swingers event — the kind of event that often attracts a slightly older crowd. This was another indicator to me that their sex ed had come from watching porn.

Here’s what I wish I could tell them.

I would say to the young woman that it’s okay to ask for what she wants and for her to give herself permission to tell him how to please her in an open, communicative fashion.

I would tell the man I’ve found that the secret to great sex is to genuinely please his woman (in the case of this heterosexual couple) and give him a book (or two, or three) on how. I would also let him know that just because he is a man doesn’t mean he intuitively knows how to have great sex, hopefully letting him off the performance hook.

I would encourage the man to listen to her feedback and guidance not as criticism but as a navigational tool to unlock their passion, pleasure, eroticism and intimate bonding.

And very importantly, everyone needs to know that foreplay is an essential part of sex! It takes a woman’s body 20-40 minutes to warm up and prepare for penetration and it is a time to be relished and prolonged. It is also when the mind and soul also have a chance to go to a higher plane, increasing the sexual delight.

And don’t forget lube! Lube, lube, lube. Uberlube is my personal favorite 🙂

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 Nina C. Helms is the creator and CEO of S+HE Intimate Fitness™ and DevineToys, two lifestyle and wellness companies designed to enhance women’s comfort, confidence and quality of life. As a counselor, author and presenter, Nina has shared her expertise on intimate health, sexual wellness and feminine self-care topics for the past decade as well as introduced an array of products to the sexual health and women’s wellness markets in America.  She is on a mission to empower women through raising awareness of women’s intimate and pelvic health issues.

To read more reflections from our community members check out our #realworldinbox!


2 Responses to “Tips for better sex: Dispatches from a swingers party”

  1. interpreterx2014

    My body does NOT need 30-40 minutes to prepare for penetration, the untrue statement that all women need such foreplay before penetration devalues this article.

    Perhaps it is true of the author but it is certainly not true of me and I know that for many of my fellow women this is untrue as well.

    Also I’m slightly disappointed with the author for acting as if this young couple didn’t ensure that they were aroused and ready in advance. It seems as though the article is littered with accusatory assumptions.

    Still, the article addresses the issue of porn setting unrealistic standards and misinforming people about sex, particularly men.

    • madamcurator

      Thanks for sharing, interpreterx2014! As you’ve highlighted, all bodies have different arousal thresholds and we’re glad that you’ve shared what it’s like for you 🙂


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